50 Funnies from Mark Twain

Mark Twain

Mark Twain

1. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
2. “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
3. “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
4. “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”
5. “Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
6. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
7. “Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
8. “A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
9. “Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”
10. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
11. “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
12. “Classic’ – a book which people praise and don’t read.”
13. “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
14. “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
15. “In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.”
16. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
17. “Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
18. “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”
19. “I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
20. “Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.”
21. “Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”
22. “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”
23. “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”
24. “God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”
25. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
26. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
27. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
28. “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
29. “Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.”
30. “Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”
31. “Life is short, Break the Rules./Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY./Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably/And never regret ANYTHING/That makes you smile.”
32. “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.”
33. “The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.”
34. “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.”
35. “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.”
36. “Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”
37. “Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”
38. “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
39. “You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?”
40. “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
41. “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
42. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”
43. “The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”
44. “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”
45. “The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.”
46. “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”
47. “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
48. “The secret to getting ahead is getting started.”
49. “Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”
50. “April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s